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    49 years old, I should have known better!
    Or should I.

    At the time of writing this I could not walk or talk properly, 1 year left?
    I could program and play games, not that I felt like games but had a steam account.
    The computer is how I make money programming.
    As I was in Asia, I had no one to talk to about my stroke I felt quite anger all the time, and took it out on my wife (who is Filipino) and still do!
    I went quite mental for a bit there.
    Anyway I have a Wife, Filipino boy and 3 kids of my own.
    I been here since 2004 when things where much better for a programmers.
    When I first came here it was 110 to the pound, now it's just 69.
    So on-top of everything I don't have much money, medical bill ~300k PHP.
    All the work is done, and now I get to self-publish my story.
    I wanted to walk, and feel the wind in my hair again.
    I remember the times grabbing at my mouse, and It falling out of my hand.
    It was a big thing being able to walk back-n-forth (in Mine-craft).
    Thank God I have a Steam account as I used games as training.
    Later I bought multi-player games for me and my daughter as a crutch but more about crutches later.
    .
    .
    I got good at programming, and even surpassed myself by rectifying problems I could not before.
    I had to do everything to get it working again, even registering a URL, site certificate, and virtual server.
    I was helped by a faith-healer Alex, he says registered misère, but he sure went on about God allot.
    Later his wife Espi, was dying from bowl-cancer at 45 so it could have been true.
    But he help me the most turning my neck and walking.
    God did help me later in a misters-way.
    Feeling emotional, depression (crying at the drop of a pin) and I still do.
    Feeling agree, resentful, being a burden (flying off the handle for no reason) and still do.
    Feeling tired (out of breath) it got better over time.
    Googling (searching) and finding nothing useful.
    Google and YouTube did not find much and I was coming-up-trumps with "Stroke Survival Stories" and the NSA stuff and I'm British so just want a cup-of-tea LOL.
    My advice is to get a good wife/carer, and say sorry a lot to them.
    Do soothing that will take some time, and take the year off.
    Use a large font to tell your story, as your eyes ant what-they-used-to-be and glasses are a must.
    Covid 19 (corona virus, 2019-nCoV or flue) is like a stroke because it destroys the brain.
    A total of 2990 stroke patients (72%) survived their first stroke (most stokes come in 5's) by >27 days, and 2448, 59% were still alive 1 year after the first stroke; thus, 41% died after 1 year.
    The risk for death between 4 weeks and 12 months after the first stroke is 18.
    1% (95% CI, 16.
    7% to 19.
    5%).
    According to the National Stroke Association, 10% of people who have a stroke recover almost completely, with 25% recovering with minor impairments.
    Another 40% experience moderate to severe impairments that require special care.
    So don't fuck around if you want to live, get healthy.
    I was forced to give up drinking and smoking witch had me claiming the walls, I do remember this as it was hard.
    My nightmare was wetting the bed somehow, or to know I did and have my oldest boy find it, or oldest boy tell me it’s not his mums fault.
    Fever-dreams (nightmares) that I had a lot of, seem to be of me wetting the bed, (witch I probably did).
    It was no body's fault, as it was my stroke.
    I found doing stuff by me-self is good (even if you mess it up.
    ) I was teaching myself life lesson.
    Time dilation, perception was a bit of a drag and I just gave up after a time (or I also forgot).
    There is no drugs in this part of the woods (all classed as narcotics), so had to cope with my crippling clinical-depression by myself.
    I had baby feet and hands.
    Because I did not walk or do any work.
    Sometimes I feel as if I've given up my life for the people who I would have just left behind If I had died, I feel all by myself, and it's so painful to live.
    Perhaps.
    You’ll be OK by next week.
    I can’t touch anything it feels like I'm not used to hands.
    Another of that depressing stuff.
    It gets better over time, but sometimes gets bad (like just then).
    The Doctor cannot tell you about your stroke, as there all different and no one wants to commit to saying something that can be used in court (no prejudices).
    All stroke get better over time, it depends on your age, and how much blood made it into your brine.
    You will learn again, how to walk and talk.
    You will have to do it all yourself, learning dese not happen like magic.
    It takes time to get better again, not fast like a cold, days ,months or even year(s), in my case it was 1.
    ~ years.
    My time in hospital felt like seconds, I could not think properly then, just dream.
    I'm getting better now, but it takes (such) a long time.
    10% of people who have a stroke recover almost completely (up to 2 years later), with 25% recovering with minor impairments (up to 2 years later).
    Another 40% experience moderate to severe impairments that require special care (up to 2 years later).
    The rest die.
    That's better.
    .
    .
    Look at a baby trying to walk or talk, that's me.
    I sometimes wonder why I'm bothering to wright this down.
    I think it’s therapeutic and so I can tell my story to whoever will listen.
    I just like to program in HTML.
    60 this May 2021 yay.
    No more smoking no drinking, what will I do?
    Live long and die of nothing LOL.
    Drink some nice coffee, and have some good food I suppose.
    Emily (My wife).
    She is quite good although I can see the cracks starting.
    When I came around, and stopped banging my head like a spastic (my brothers words), everything was OK, the walls had been painted (I remember this), and the smell of smoke gone, But everything was normal, my tools where thrown in the cupboard but where still there, Not handed out as if I was dead (I should know).
    Anton (My only brother).
    He had some good advice for me, on Telegram (our messenger).
    He said don’t be angry "at" them, it's not there felt.
    Staph and Sam (my ex-wife and son/daughter with her).
    It was a bit too early, but she was willing to come here, and get me, and have me live there with them.
    Routine is quite important, just getting use to exercise in the morning, Work in the afternoon, and play in the evenings is important.
    David (son).
    Only 13, but years ahead of the rest, he did my computing (while I was away) LOL, and transferred the money my brother was sorting out.
    It hit him hard, a bit more then Cheryl my daughter, but they all puled threw for me.
    Cheryl (daughter).
    David told me she only cries in the CR (comfort room, toilet), She don't let much show, but I owe her a big hug when this is over.
    Jonmel (adopted son, Filipino boy).
    What can I say, he also keeps his cards close to his chest and wears his heart on his sleeve.
    Sometimes catch him crying too.
    That was hard.
    .
    .
    I am quite sure I had what they call a silent-stroke.
    A silent stroke can have a significant and lasting impact in older patients’ memory.
    It is estimated that silent strokes are five times more common than symptomatic stroke.
    A silent stroke differs from a transient ischemic attack (TIA).
    In TIA symptoms of stroke are exhibited, which may last from a few minutes to 24 hours before resolving.
    But I will learn to walk independently (without-a-walker) again.
    (Covert stroke) or silent stroke cases depression or dementia symptoms.
    1 in 14 people have a silent-stroke (pre-stroke).
    With my smoking, unhealthy lifestyle, drinking, high blood pressure (not taking medication properly) and age added to that risk.
    Without blood, cells in that area malfunction and may die, causing symptoms such as numbness or weakness on one side of your face, trouble speaking, difficulty walking, or vision problems, which reflect the functions that were controlled by the affected part of the brain.
    1 year following a covert-stroke, 42% may exabit cognitive decline.
    1 year without a stroke, 29% may exabit cognitive decline.
    So you're dammed ether way.
    .
    .
    A study of middle-aged people 40/60 with no apparent signs of stroke found that about 10% had brain damage.
    The damage that happens is permanent, but therapy might help stimulate other parts of the brain so you regain abilities that may have weakened.
    Today I met StrokeGuy#1, 60+.
    He had his stroke in 2018, learned he can walk in 2020 while riding his bike (God knows how he can't walk, but can ride a bike).
    The first thing he asked me is what my realign is, and how poor he is.
    He has his legs, but some have had them amputated through diabetes.
    While my time in hospital is still fresh in my mind, I did see lots of people with no legs walking with crouches.
    He was out sweeping the floor, which I will do when I can walk again.
    A stroke is like trying to write with the other hand.
    Trying to do everything with the wrong hand, even think.
    I would recover anyway but would not retain much had I got any brine damage.
    And would not walk after recovery (although I can).
    My spelling has gotten worse (my dyslexia), and I am getting words back-to-front and "b" instead of "d" and sort of stuff, Lots of red squiggles under my text, when I look at my story.
    And I lose the mouse-cursor a lot too, but that's my eyesight, so mouse-pointer to grow with font size, on ghost-pad (Ctrl + Mouse-Scroll).
    Alex's (wife Espi) died today, she was only 45, died from her cancer.
    I bet he is beside himself, he sold his house so she could go to hospital.
    Hospital is a bit of a scam here (following the US), I know many who have fallen for that scam and lost their homes, not me, thank God.
    Being Pilipino during the lockdown is like any other day to them.
    Frustrating to us (British), but is par-for-the-course to a Pilipino.
    You can have floods, earthquake, typhoons and famine over here, but they still survive with a smile on their faces to-boot.
    So I can’t tell them about my stroke, I would feel picky (stuck-up).
    I just feel dumbed-down, a dumbed-down version of me.
    Like someone is shouting to me wake-up.
    If I lay down I can think normally, until I get up and the room starts spinning again, but it's getting better now.
    (I hope my wife reads this one day, and understands me)I have no satisfaction, except when I go to sleep.
    The other day I dreamt I could walk again.
    I told the others and they just looked at me with no recognition.
    At least I have this story to tell, God knows how I would be without anything to do, and I am a workaholic at heart.
    I cannot look my feeder in the eye (witch I hear is common), and get the feeling someone is going to make me forget what I was doing.
    Because I have been living here for so long, I get jealous at the UK' stuff, and how well it's made or done.
    I keep feeling impending doom, I don't mind dying as long as it’s quick.
    Death is quiet and nothing, at least being catatonic is.
    I really don't remember large chunks of last year (2020), like I was just not there.
    I remember thinking (and saying) this is the worst day of my life, only to wake up months later (6-May 2020, it was my 49th birthday).
    Yet I remember Hospital, how big and white, I remember visitors, and McDonald's Chicken nugget, I even remember my wife helping me to the CR.
    I dreamt about Mexicans (with guns) helping me escape hospital.
    I remember water sounds, and thinking how did I get hear.
    Later people came to see me and give me a massage, some of them where not there.
    You could lie to me in the old days (last year), but not now, with my sharp hearing, peripheral vision and almost second-sight coming back.
    Lying is the worst thing you can do to a stroke patient, as they will remember everything and get better, and smell the aches.
    Better just tell then everything, even if they cry due to depression.
    Get some small birds, I got some budgies (male & females) and never looked back, remember they live for 60 years, many birds live a long time.
    Yes get some budgies, even if your wife looks after them.
    My hands are always dirty, did I wash them?
    My feeling of self-importance, I should write a book about me.
    My feeling of desirability, the opposite sex loves a spastic.
    I feel self-realization, but I still get the shake when things get manic.
    My feet look a bit more bashed up.
    All the people giving up smoking/drinking, it must be a big deal to them.
    Made-in-china lost its chap sticker and gained a shit one instead (it will do, Friday night special this Monday).
    I got a brand new walker today, with no wheels, so it's a bit harder to get the hang of, and today got up from the floor.
    It's now my time for me to have fun, now I'm coming back.
    I make noses when I'm sleeping apparently, I don't deny it.
    I can see the teeth marks on my bed-post from when I was a real spastic.
    My brother and his friends want to use the voicechatalpha client again, after all these years, I made it a sentry age.
    God is like math, simple and true.
    Nature don't make mistakes.
    I got my wife emely.
    me and some food for her birthday today, apparently I make nose in my sleep, I'm such a baby, and complain about small things, I can't look my wife (career) in the face when I eat, I don't slurp my coffee cold much anymore.
    Advice is (help myself), English translation (stay strong and positive).
    Don't lose your hope It's not helping you, English translation (don't beat yourself up).
    A wank is as good as sex to me.
    I feel like an old man now, before I felt much younger.
    I hope I get strong knees, from praying.
    I feel sleep helping me.
    That's why I love Nestle Crunch & get me out of here, I used to say.
    Do not commit suicide, go to bed instead.
    Jonmel (badong) said trust me, so I did and never looked back, the red eyes, and red dot have gone.
    I remember trying to escape/crawl through the gate, and my wife stopping me over and over again!
    It takes time, English translation (it may take up two years to get better).
    I lent 8 grand PHP to my wife's sister (who is working in a bar now), have known her since she was 1 (used to call her Zebedee, from The Magic Roundabout).
    I weighed myself today 65kg from ~100kg (that's a ~35kg lost).
    The Dr, says I had an Ischemic stroke (bad for recovery), without (hemorrhagic / blooding damage (recover evenly)), caused by a lack of potassium + height cholesterol, coupled with a bump on my (head / neck) that happened about 9 years ago, in-turn causing my clot / stroke.
    See it's complicated.
    And it will take some time to recover my walking / talking.
    an Asia TIA.
    witch is not a real stroke per se.
    I hope you all have a stroke as complicated as mine.
    Some important advice for stroke survivors "if you fall down, get right back up and brush it off", there is no word for defeat now, just trial & error.
    So put it from your mind.
    Look at babies, see how they learn to walk / talk (you're no different), just have longer to fall.
    Stay positive, not negative even when you don't feel it.
    .
    .
    Hell is being brine damaged, I still remember those dreams [shiver].
    Why are disabled people happier, disabled is a state of mind.
    I miss my wife when she's out, I miss her so much, I feel like I'm the baby, and keep looking at the clock like I have a real mummy problem.
    This lockdown is getting ridicules with a 4 and a half grand weekly food bill difference, the smell of dried fish in the morning (smells like a wet dead-doge) LOL.
    I'm laughing again I noticed (witch I did a lot).
    Time is a funny old sock, I had a friend (Mike) who used to say that lots.
    I had a dream somebody was shot in the bum, it took a while for the blood to show up out of the nose, but when it did the man finally surcame to his wounds.
    I am getting fed up with this stroke feeling, not being able to wake is getting old now.
    I must have had lots if TIA's, every time I had a migraine headache, it must of been a TIA before the final TIA, when oxygen got cut of a bit too much from my brain.
    I'm addicted too coffee, it's better than smoking / drinking.
    I have an understanding the (universe / God), a finer points of living (brain deaths), I finally understand.
    I'm sure ill be OK soon, I had another walking dream (easier than the last).
    my attatude was changed and the black ant have gone totally (still feel anegre, now and again), (still forget a lot, if only I could write stuff down), (still move the mouse too much, off the screen).
    wait a second!
    It was just a dream?
    We live on SPAM now, as real meat (chicken, pork and beef) is super-expensive due to this lock-down, although vegetables are back to normal price now.
    Thy gave me tPA (clot busting drugs) that saved my brain.
    Raised my baby during this quarantine, and now she has real abandonment issues, we all have our own issues now, but refuse to pay the 300 PHP each, a day, it would cost in anti-depressants (Prozac TM).
    I'm still not OK yet, but am ready, I can't walk still, although my depression and talking is getting better.
    The internet connection is bad "Your Internet connection is very slow, you should feel bad" [9 moths left].
    I am getting better at searching (google & YouTube), I finally found "stroke recovery" as if it was missing.
    Today I nearly fell down in the bathroom, felt so relaxed, must be getting normal again, can't wait to walk (by myself), I missed it so much, and missed all that goes with it, making a cup of tea, or wiping my own bum.
    I think Emely (my wife) is suffering with postnatal depression from my youngest (3) who is suffering from abandonment issues.
    Today I moved over 20k PHP for my 2 new "silver" teeth!
    I guess things have gotten more expensive during my absence, no-wonder no-body bothers.
    Yesterday (I found out) we went to war with China (I guess no more cheap o-shit for us).
    Today I let go in the toilet (a-gain) and managed to balance my self for a few seconds.
    My hearing is very good now, I can hear a pin drop (a-gain), on the other hand, it's harder to sleep, I get shocked by the crashing in the kitchen.
    A-girl, my-girl, my-relationship, my-wife, my-carer.
    .
    .
    It's a bit like learning to be human a-gain.
    Know I know why old pope don't stop going on about the (what they conceive as) past.
    it's because my passed is better then yours.
    Not doing, but trying is good for you, don't get lazy, don't stop or yours'll go backwards.
    your participation is directly linked to your intelligence.
    its very frustrating.
    you will get tired (post-stroke-fatigue), never say no.
    I do feel like a drawling spastic all the time, this second wave of the pandemic seems bad, I hope we survive.
    Feeling sorry for yourself is completely wrong.
    I had, Dyssynergia (abrupt movements), Dysmetria (un-able to judge distance), Dysdiadochokinesia (rapid movement) Ataxia (general drunkenness).
    but all is getting better.
    I remember my first dream (nightmare), I had to roll over and die when our Cines (overlords) told us.
    Forgot my Dysphagia (Difficulty Swallowing), difficulty walking, and saw tongue.