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    49 years old, I should have known better!
    Or should I
    At the time of writing this I could not walk or talk properly, 1 year left?
    I could program and play games, not that I felt like games but had a steam account
    The computer is how I make money programming
    As I was in Asia, I had no one to talk to about my stroke I felt quite anger all the time, and took it out on my wife (who is Filipino) and still do!
    I went quite mental for a bit there
    Anyway I have a Wife, Filipino boy and 3 kids of my own
    I been here since 2004 when things where much better for a programmers
    When I first came here it was 110 to the pound, now it's just 69
    So on-top of everything I don't have much money, medical bill ~300k PHP
    All the work is done, and now I get to self-publish my story
    I wanted to walk, and feel the wind in my hair again
    I remember the times grabbing at my mouse, and It falling out of my hand
    It was a big thing being able to walk back-n-forth (in Mine-craft)
    Thank God I have a Steam account as I used games as training
    Later I bought multi-player games for me and my daughter as a crutch but more about crutches later
    I got good at programming, and even surpassed myself by rectifying problems I could not before
    I had to do everything to get it working again, even registering a URL, site certificate, and virtual server
    I was helped by a faith-healer Alex, he says registerer male message therapist, but he sure went on about God allot
    Later his wife Espi, was dying from bowl-cancer at 45 so it could have been true
    But he help me the most turning my neck and walking
    God did help me later in a misters-way
    Feeling emotional, depression (crying at the drop of a pin) and I still do
    Feeling agree, resentful, being a burden (flying off the handle for no reason) and still do
    Feeling tired (out of breath) it got better over time
    Googling (searching) and finding nothing useful
    Google and YouTube did not find much and I was coming-up-trumps with "Stroke Survival Stories" and the NSA stuff and I'm British so just want a cup-of-tea LOL
    My advice is to get a good wife/carer, and say sorry a lot to them
    Do soothing that will take some time, and take the year off
    Use a large font to tell your story, as your eyes ant what-they-used-to-be and glasses are a must
    Covid 19 (corona virus, 2019-nCoV or flue) is like a stroke because it destroys the brain
    A total of 2990 stroke patients (72%) survived their first stroke (most stokes come in 5's) by >27 days, and 2448, 59% were still alive 1 year after the first stroke; thus, 41% died after 1 year
    The risk for death between 4 weeks and 12 months after the first stroke is 181% (95% CI, 167% to 195%)
    According to the National Stroke Association, 10% of people who have a stroke recover almost completely, with 25% recovering with minor impairments
    Another 40% experience moderate to severe impairments that require special care
    So don't fuck around if you want to live, get healthy
    I was forced to give up drinking and smoking witch had me claiming the walls, I do remember this as it was hard
    My nightmare was wetting the bed somehow, or to know I did and have my oldest boy find it, or oldest boy tell me it's not his mums fault
    Fever-dreams (nightmares) that I had a lot of, seem to be of me wetting the bed, (witch I probably did)
    It was no body's fault, as it was my stroke
    I found doing stuff by me-self is good (even if you mess it up
    ) I was teaching myself life lesson
    Time dilation, perception was a bit of a drag and I just gave up after a time (or I also forgot)
    There is no drugs in this part of the woods (all classed as narcotics), so had to cope with my crippling clinical-depression by myself
    I had baby feet and hands
    Because I did not walk or do any work
    Sometimes I feel as if I've given up my life for the people who I would have just left behind If I had died, I feel all by myself, and it's so painful to live
    You'll be OK by next week
    I can't touch anything it feels like I'm not used to hands
    Another of that depressing stuff
    It gets better over time, but sometimes gets bad (like just then)
    The Doctor cannot tell you about your stroke, as there all different and no one wants to commit to saying something that can be used in court (no prejudices)
    All stroke get better over time, it depends on your age, and how much blood made it into your brine
    You will learn again, how to walk and talk
    You will have to do it all yourself, learning dese not happen like magic
    It takes time to get better again, not fast like a cold, days ,months or even year(s), in my case it was 1
    ~ years
    My time in hospital felt like seconds, I could not think properly then, just dream
    I'm getting better now, but it takes (such) a long time
    10% of people who have a stroke recover almost completely (up to 2 years later), with 25% recovering with minor impairments (up to 2 years later)
    Another 40% experience moderate to severe impairments that require special care (up to 2 years later)
    The rest die
    That's better
    Look at a baby trying to walk or talk, that's me
    I sometimes wonder why I'm bothering to wright this down
    I think it's therapeutic and so I can tell my story to whoever will listen
    I just like to program in HTML
    60 this May 2021 yay
    No more smoking no drinking, what will I do?
    Live long and die of nothing LOL
    Drink some nice coffee, and have some good food I suppose
    Emily (My wife)
    She is quite good although I can see the cracks starting
    When I came around, and stopped banging my head like a spastic (my brothers words), everything was OK, the walls had been painted (I remember this), and the smell of smoke gone, But everything was normal, my tools where thrown in the cupboard but where still there, Not handed out as if I was dead (I should know)
    Anton (My only brother)
    He had some good advice for me, on Telegram (our messenger)
    He said don't be angry "at" them, it's not there felt
    Staph and Sam (my ex-wife and son/daughter with her)
    It was a bit too early, but she was willing to come here, and get me, and have me live there with them
    Routine is quite important, just getting use to exercise in the morning, Work in the afternoon, and play in the evenings is important
    David (son)
    Only 13, but years ahead of the rest, he did my computing (while I was away) LOL, and transferred the money my brother was sorting out
    It hit him hard, a bit more then Cheryl my daughter, but they all puled threw for me
    Cheryl (daughter)
    David told me she only cries in the CR (comfort room, toilet), She don't let much show, but I owe her a big hug when this is over
    Jonmel (adopted son, Filipino boy)
    What can I say, he also keeps his cards close to his chest and wears his heart on his sleeve
    Sometimes catch him crying too
    That was hard
    I am quite sure I had what they call a silent-stroke
    A silent stroke can have a significant and lasting impact in older patients' memory
    It is estimated that silent strokes are five times more common than symptomatic stroke
    A silent stroke differs from a transient ischemic attack (TIA)
    In TIA symptoms of stroke are exhibited, which may last from a few minutes to 24 hours before resolving
    But I will learn to walk independently (without-a-walker) again
    (Covert stroke) or silent stroke cases depression or dementia symptoms
    1 in 14 people have a silent-stroke (pre-stroke)
    With my smoking, unhealthy lifestyle, drinking, high blood pressure (not taking medication properly) and age added to that risk
    Without blood, cells in that area malfunction and may die, causing symptoms such as numbness or weakness on one side of your face, trouble speaking, difficulty walking, or vision problems, which reflect the functions that were controlled by the affected part of the brain
    1 year following a covert-stroke, 42% may exabit cognitive decline
    1 year without a stroke, 29% may exabit cognitive decline
    So you're dammed ether way
    A study of middle-aged people 40/60 with no apparent signs of stroke found that about 10% had brain damage
    The damage that happens is permanent, but therapy might help stimulate other parts of the brain so you regain abilities that may have weakened
    Today I met StrokeGuy#1, 60+
    He had his stroke in 2018, learned he can walk in 2020 while riding his bike (God knows how he can't walk, but can ride a bike)
    The first thing he asked me is what my realign is, and how poor he is
    He has his legs, but some have had them amputated through diabetes
    While my time in hospital is still fresh in my mind, I did see lots of people with no legs walking with crouches
    He was out sweeping the floor, which I will do when I can walk again
    A stroke is like trying to write with the other hand
    Trying to do everything with the wrong hand, even think
    I would recover anyway but would not retain much had I got any brine damage
    And would not walk after recovery (although I can)
    My spelling has gotten worse (my dyslexia), and I am getting words back-to-front and "b" instead of "d" and sort of stuff, Lots of red squiggles under my text, when I look at my story
    And I lose the mouse-cursor a lot too, but that's my eyesight, so mouse-pointer to grow with font size, on ghost-pad (Ctrl + Mouse-Scroll)
    Alex's (wife Espi) died today, she was only 45, died from her cancer
    I bet he is beside himself, he sold his house so she could go to hospital
    Hospital is a bit of a scam here (following the US), I know many who have fallen for that scam and lost their homes, not me, thank God
    Being Pilipino during the lockdown is like any other day to them
    Frustrating to us (British), but is par-for-the-course to a Pilipino
    You can have floods, earthquake, typhoons and famine over here, but they still survive with a smile on their faces to-boot
    So I can't tell them about my stroke, I would feel picky (stuck-up)
    I just feel dumbed-down, a dumbed-down version of me
    Like someone is shouting to me wake-up
    If I lay down I can think normally, until I get up and the room starts spinning again, but it's getting better now
    (I hope my wife reads this one day, and understands me)I have no satisfaction, except when I go to sleep
    The other day I dreamt I could walk again
    I told the others and they just looked at me with no recognition
    At least I have this story to tell, God knows how I would be without anything to do, and I am a workaholic at heart
    I cannot look my feeder in the eye (witch I hear is common), and get the feeling someone is going to make me forget what I was doing
    Because I have been living here for so long, I get jealous at the UK' stuff, and how well it's made or done
    I keep feeling impending doom, I don't mind dying as long as it's quick
    Death is quiet and nothing, at least being catatonic is
    I really don't remember large chunks of last year (2020), like I was just not there
    I remember thinking (and saying) this is the worst day of my life, only to wake up months later (6-May 2020, it was my 49th birthday)
    Yet I remember Hospital, how big and white, I remember visitors, and McDonald's Chicken nugget, I even remember my wife helping me to the CR
    I dreamt about Mexicans (with guns) helping me escape hospital
    I remember water sounds, and thinking how did I get hear
    Later people came to see me and give me a massage, some of them where not there
    You could lie to me in the old days (last year), but not now, with my sharp hearing, peripheral vision and almost second-sight coming back
    Lying is the worst thing you can do to a stroke patient, as they will remember everything and get better, and smell the aches
    Better just tell then everything, even if they cry due to depression
    Get some small birds, I got some budgies (male & females) and never looked back, remember they live for 60 years, many birds live a long time
    Yes get some budgies, even if your wife looks after them
    My hands are always dirty, did I wash them?
    My feeling of self-importance, I should write a book about me
    My feeling of desirability, the opposite sex loves a spastic
    I feel self-realization, but I still get the shake when things get manic
    My feet look a bit more bashed up
    All the people giving up smoking/drinking, it must be a big deal to them
    Made-in-china lost its chap sticker and gained a shit one instead (it will do, Friday night special this Monday)
    I got a brand new walker today, with no wheels, so it's a bit harder to get the hang of, and today got up from the floor
    It's now my time for me to have fun, now I'm coming back
    I make noses when I'm sleeping apparently, I don't deny it
    I can see the teeth marks on my bed-post from when I was a real spastic
    My brother and his friends want to use the voicechatalpha client again, after all these years, I made it a sentry age
    God is like math, simple and true
    Nature don't make mistakes
    I got my wife emely
    me and some food for her birthday today, apparently I make nose in my sleep, I'm such a baby, and complain about small things, I can't look my wife (career) in the face when I eat, I don't slurp my coffee cold much anymore
    Advice is (help myself), English translation (stay strong and positive)
    Don't lose your hope It's not helping you, English translation (don't beat yourself up)
    A wank is as good as sex to me
    I feel like an old man now, before I felt much younger
    I hope I get strong knees, from praying
    I feel sleep helping me
    That's why I love Nestle Crunch & get me out of here, I used to say
    Do not commit suicide, go to bed instead
    Jonmel (badong) said trust me, so I did and never looked back, the red eyes, and red dot have gone
    I remember trying to escape/crawl through the gate, and my wife stopping me over and over again!
    It takes time, English translation (it may take up two years to get better)
    I lent 8 grand PHP to my wife's sister (who is working in a bar now), have known her since she was 1 (used to call her Zebedee, from The Magic Roundabout)
    I weighed myself today 65kg from ~100kg (that's a ~35kg lost)
    The Dr, says I had an Ischemic stroke (bad for recovery), without (hemorrhagic / blooding damage (recover evenly)), caused by a lack of potassium + height cholesterol, coupled with a bump on my (head / neck) that happened about 9 years ago, in-turn causing my clot / stroke
    See it's complicated
    And it will take some time to recover my walking / talking
    an Asia TIA
    witch is not a real stroke per se
    I hope you all have a stroke as complicated as mine
    Some important advice for stroke survivors "if you fall down, get right back up and brush it off", there is no word for defeat now, just trial & error
    So put it from your mind
    Look at babies, see how they learn to walk / talk (you're no different), just have longer to fall
    Stay positive, not negative even when you don't feel it
    Hell is being brine damaged, I still remember those dreams [shiver]
    Why are disabled people happier, disabled is a state of mind
    I miss my wife when she's out, I miss her so much, I feel like I'm the baby, and keep looking at the clock like I have a real mummy problem
    This lockdown is getting ridicules with a 4 and a half grand weekly food bill difference, the smell of dried fish in the morning (smells like a wet dead-doge) LOL
    I'm laughing again I noticed (witch I did a lot)
    Time is a funny old sock, I had a friend (Mike) who used to say that lots
    I had a dream somebody was shot in the bum, it took a while for the blood to show up out of the nose, but when it did the man finally surcame to his wounds
    I am getting fed up with this stroke feeling, not being able to wake is getting old now
    I must have had lots if TIA's, every time I had a migraine headache, it must of been a TIA before the final TIA, when oxygen got cut of a bit too much from my brain
    I'm addicted too coffee, it's better than smoking / drinking
    I have an understanding the (universe / God), a finer points of living (brain deaths), I finally understand
    I'm sure ill be OK soon, I had another walking dream (easier than the last)
    my attatude was changed and the black ant have gone totally (still feel anegre, now and again), (still forget a lot, if only I could write stuff down), (still move the mouse too much, off the screen)
    wait a second!
    It was just a dream?
    We live on SPAM now, as real meat (chicken, pork and beef) is super-expensive due to this lock-down, although vegetables are back to normal price now
    Thy gave me tPA (clot busting drugs) that saved my brain
    Raised my baby during this quarantine, and now she has real abandonment issues, we all have our own issues now, but refuse to pay the 300 PHP each, a day, it would cost in anti-depressants (Prozac TM)
    I'm still not OK yet, but am ready, I can't walk still, although my depression and talking is getting better
    The internet connection is bad "Your Internet connection is very slow, you should feel bad" [9 moths left]
    I am getting better at searching (google & YouTube), I finally found "stroke recovery" as if it was missing
    Today I nearly fell down in the bathroom, felt so relaxed, must be getting normal again, can't wait to walk (by myself), I missed it so much, and missed all that goes with it, making a cup of tea, or wiping my own bum
    I think Emely (my wife) is suffering with postnatal depression from my youngest (3) who is suffering from abandonment issues
    Today I moved over 20k PHP for my 2 new "silver" teeth!
    I guess things have gotten more expensive during my absence, no-wonder no-body bothers
    Yesterday (I found out) we went to war with China (I guess no more cheap o-shit for us)
    Today I let go in the toilet (a-gain) and managed to balance my self for a few seconds
    My hearing is very good now, I can hear a pin drop (a-gain), on the other hand, it's harder to sleep, I get shocked by the crashing in the kitchen
    A-girl, my-girl, my-relationship, my-wife, my-carer
    It's a bit like learning to be human a-gain
    Know I know why old pope don't stop going on about the (what they conceive as) past
    it's because my passed is better then yours
    Not doing, but trying is good for you, don't get lazy, don't stop or yours'll go backwards
    your participation is directly linked to your intelligence
    its very frustrating
    you will get tired (post-stroke-fatigue), never say no
    I do feel like a drawling spastic all the time, this second wave of the pandemic seems bad, I hope we survive
    Feeling sorry for yourself is completely wrong
    I had, Dyssynergia (abrupt movements), Dysmetria (un-able to judge distance), Dysdiadochokinesia (rapid movement) Ataxia (general drunkenness)
    but all is getting better
    I remember my first dream (nightmare), I had to roll over and die when our Cines (overlords) told us
    Forgot my Dysphagia (Difficulty Swallowing), difficulty walking, and saw tongue
    Muscle atrophy takes a log time
    Once you know what's wrong with you, half the battel is wone
    Why do baby's forget the first part of life, or risk going insane?
    I must come from a rich family
    So it looks like I had a blood clot due to a stone to the back of my neck, no-passim, and height cloistral in the blood. brain hypoxia, c ased by the blood clot cutting off oxygen to my brane, and muscle atrophy, due to no activity for a year
    I didn't feel like working on my story for weeks, over the server, thank God, I still kept my throat's here.
    When I sed this was "the-worst-day-of-my-life" on my Birthday (06 / May / 2020)
    and shut down for a whole year, I was committing suicide (and failed) every time I tried.
    I don't remember anything after this date, one year later, I came round and started my recovery
    . I'm glad my wife saved me for her (selfish self) and my kids (they would miss me only 3,13,11, and 19).
    Mental Health is a real bitch!

    I remember Pleasure island, where kids turn into a jackass (young donkey) for one day of pleasure, (Pinocchio).

    The front part of the brain (PFC), cerebral cortex, I remember the doctors telling me (after looking at my brain MRI)
    I had some sort of brain damage to here this region is responsible for:
    1 Short Term Memory
    2 Planning
    3 Personality
    4 Decision making
    5 Social behavior

    Now the brain fog is starting to lift, and my muscle atrophy feels real, I can lift my right hand now, soon be walking, I stopped writing for a few weeks, as I had nothing to write about, till now so I will get-into-it again.

    "The red balloon was not filled with poisons gas"

    My right leg and arm muscles are so very weak.
    But they look normal now, more exercise is needed?
    My Sone (David 13) said my muscles where coming back to normal, something my wife is too afraid to say.
    I did not have a stroke, hypokalemia is what I had, and is more like a car crash, whare the brain get damaged.
    Difference is I will recover...
    Now I remember why I came here, (it was so long ago).
    it was for the girls, and work to-boot.
    I had such a problem with with "girls" back then?
    2 failed relation sips later...
    Fee said to me God will reveal his lesion to me, and he has, "Don't Hang Up".
    The Depression seems to have faded over time, and I only cry at very sad film now (or music) I feel quite stupid.
    I will be waiting for you when I go
    I had quite a few apothem's while I have been laying in bed trying to sleep.
    Some of this stuff I can't forget while some of it is pure madness.
    Dreamt I could walk agene.
    Many people gave me kudos for not-giving-up of helping-my-self, but what could I have done I had no-choice.
    Getting old is easy when there is nothing to worry about.
    I don't know what throat's are real and witch ones are false anymore, my memory has got so bad.
    I'm listing to music now, started about 3 days ago.
    Recovery is very slow, years, I feel 2.
    My doughtier came and gave me a big cuddle yesterday, she can see I'm coming back.
    Getting better now, it's hard to change from how I used to be, even thought I have leant so much new
    Life moves pretty fast, blink and you might miss it.
    As the anger fades, so dose the disease.
    I feel incredibly lazy, everything is so hard.
    In a recurring dram, I wake to find, me with a long beard, stains on my pajamas and no one's around.
    Good thing I don't know/care how close I came to dying, and miss-out on all the things I wanted to tell my kids.
    Failure is not an option.
    Make the most of youth.
    The meek shall inherit the earth. Matthew 5:5
    We all got fake jabs (flue) (not the corona vaccine)
    I don't know what to tell my kids.
    I don't know if I'm getting lied to or I'm just so stiped
    I have been activated.
    My thoughts created this realty
    Never underestimate the power of music
    I have changed
    I have reset
    I would have found my calling in music but got into payroll programming instead
    Keep getting my heart broken, keep moving on.
    10 years has got behind me, no one told me when to run.
    Music is all i got left now.
    One thing about an ASIN-Stroke is it gives you time to angelize your own life and the people around you.
    They call it a "Cerebral Edema" (WATER ON THE BRAIN).
    I don't like the mornings or when I feel tired.
    Count my blessings every day.
    Pilipino, you cant hate the for the reason you love them.
    Peter is shaping up to be quite the miracle.
    I hate anyone in authority.
    I am just hearting myself, don't heart yourself.
    Rachel Fozerd used to talk to her parents in some weird scouse accent.
    The softness she's blessed with.
    Cantankerous old man.
    Get some hobby's.
    More time.
    I feel better doing something.
    As things get better I forget what was wrong with me.
    Like tears in the rain.
    I suppose my disability's will have to take a back-shelf while I deal with money problems.
    15/07/2021 I started to worry about other stuff now.
    Don't stop doing stuff.
    I had my first real cold beer today 15/07/2021.
    I only-just realised how scary/serios what happened to me was.
    It's hard to see what's different (changed) with brain damage, it's so subtle when it changes.
    20/07/2021 (16 month's to come back! Life gets harder.)
    23/07/2021 I didn't care about stuff intensely now, almost bipolar, not like before when I didn't care less about anything, times where much easer then.
    Hel is life, heaven is death.
    I can feel myself getting 24/07/2021 stronger.
    Not a cold?
    A woman is a more caring man without a dick.
    Musik is the key.
    This morning depression is hard to shake, but music is the key.
    03/Aug/2021 Looking for meaning in music.
    All that's left is this Peter puppet! The real Peter is dead
    This Depression is a bitch.
    God must really love me ,because of all the suffering I did.
    Like tears in the rain.
    I used to have depression before with my last-but-1 woman and did not know why i just burst into tears.
    15/08/2021 Heling is starting to faster now. 15/08/2021 The depression has gone.
    26/08/2021 Started feeling a bit better now, I thought I was always going to be like this.
    I't makes me larght when pople complain when they have a cold, they don't knor real-pain.
    31/08/2021 still marnt look my carer in the eye hen shee is feeding me.
    31/08/2021 still get angree when i think somone will diterb me.
    01/09/2021 My logic is messed up the same as my speling, must be a mort turm memory thing?
    01/09/2021 Unrelated Had to lister to my yungesy dortner(4) last naght asking for food.
    03/09/2021 First real cutomer returned today.
    10/09/2021 Very fotetfull right now, but I don't need so much sleep. Spelling is still not good but it never was.
    10/09/2021 Still don't beleve this thing happneng to me.
    11/09/2021 What is it with power addapters now deig os small? Not very good for disabled pepople.
    02/10/2021 My moving slowness is going.
    03/10/2021 Time has slowd, I guess I'm spending less time sleeping.
    10/10/2021 Its a class war, that we have now, and I feel like a 2nd class citesen.
    Love/passion is just a concerp to get us to mate, better rip that plaster right now.
    11/10/2021 The time dialation seems to be going.
    12/10/2021 Its only just started to hit, how pore we are, we been pore befof, but then I dint seem to care.
    24/10/2021 So it looks like I had early-covid 19, witch is covid.
    26/10/2021 Every thing is harder, nothing gives me satisfaction like in used to.
    27/10/2021 Yesterday The British embbasy in manila got back to me.